We here at Tan Tenovo’s Contrarian Font of Velocipedal Bloviation are huge supporters of ultra-mega endurance racing:
And so the entire staff–that’s me, Antonio the Helper Monkey (Vito’s successor and third cousin), and Trek Bicycle Corporation President and CEO John Burke–would like to congratulate what’s-his-name, winner of that big thing they do, who completed the whatever-it-is in record time:
In fact, he beat the previous record time by over a day:
Hats off to Victor Bosoni, who just finished the 2026 Tour Divide in record-breaking time! Riding with remarkable speed, discipline, and composure from Banff to Antelope Wells, the young French ultracyclist completed the route in just 11 days, 8 hours, and 27 minutes, more than a day and a half faster than the official previous men’s record. From his recovery-first approach to his meticulously dialed setup, Bosoni delivered one of the most impressive performances in the history of the race.
I’m also fairly sure that when the above article went to press, Laurens Ten Dam was in second place, still out riding, and a full day away from finishing. Now, I realize most people will conclude from all this that Victor Bosoni is really fast and deserves a huge amount of respect, but all it means to me is that these “races” are too long. Sorry, margins of victory should not be measured in days. Where’s the suspense!?! It’s like the Olympic Hide And Seek, but even that ended in a tie:
Oh, and here’s a screenshot of the action:
Thrilling.
Following these things is like refreshing the UPS site when I’m waiting for a new bike, but at least with that I actually get something at the end:
Also, if you’re tempted to point out that the Tour Divide takes much less time to complete than the Tour de France, the crucial difference is that with the latter there’s a thorough accounting at the end of each day and a ceremony, which at least gives you a reason to check back in and see what happened. But 11 straight days of cycling is simply too long, and there’s no way I’m following that. If someone sets out on a bike in the morning and they’re not back by the end of the day then as far as I’m concerned they’ve ceased to exist and it’s time to move on with my life.
Or, to put it another way, any cycling event in which the participants carry toothbrushes on them while they ride should not count as a bike race:
(At least I hope they brush their teeth…)
Technically that’s called a “vacation.” And that doesn’t take away from the arduous nature of the event, either, since there’s no law that vacations have to be fun.
And if you think my disdain for competitive ultra-endurance cycling means I support laid-back “alt” cycling, well that’s where you’re wrong:
Look, they’re trying too hard, then there’s not trying hard enough. Sometimes it seems like everyone’s either turning themselves inside out on some pointlessly grueling gravel ride, or else aggressively trying to out-slow each other on what until recently we used to call “hybrids.”
It’s like a vintage Univega catalog come to life!
But I realize of course that all of this is just the tedious grousing of an aging roadie whose formative cycling years were spent on competitive group rides where nobody talked and if you got dropped you’d wind up alone and confused, 50 miles from home somewhere in the vicinity of the Westchester County Airport. Why I followed that path instead of falling in with a group of collegial people who rode slowly, carried satchels, and stopped to fish I’ll never truly understand. I’ve never thought of myself as competitive–probably because I’ve never actually come close to winning anything–but I suppose like so many other competitive people in denial who suck I’ve sublimated this competitive instinct into the ridicule of others.
Actually, that’s not entirely true, because I did win a gigantic BMX trophy sometime during the Reagan administration:
I swear I never cry myself to sleep with it.
Speaking of crying, I can assure you those aren’t tears of despair, they’re tears of laughter:
Here are some words strung together in a certain order that convey absolutely no meaning whatsoever:
“The bicycle transforms one of the most successful racing styles ever created into an extraordinary expression of both innovation and savoir-faire,” Pinarello said in a statement, “Representing the ultimate meeting point between elite sport and high-end luxury.
As for the article, they really buried the lede, because the real story is that FANTASTIC Vuitton skinsuit:
Behold, the world’s most aloof cyclocross racer:
Forget the pro peloton, it’s a sad day for Campagnolo when they don’t even make the Louis Vuitton fashion show…