Charm your friends and family with your sparkling repartee.
Insert generic stock image of a generic roast bird being generically sliced: ✅ Photo: Claudio Schwarz on Unsplash
This article was first published in 2023. It has been updated for 2025.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year for our American friends, when they get to gather with families and friends to eat mountains of food with forced cheer! There’ll be turkey! Pumpkin pie! Yams with marshmallows or something!
But the festive season is not without its hazards. Racist uncles, dull brothers-in-law, well-meaning aunts: they’re all scrambling for things to talk about, and you, a Keen Bicyclist, are a conversational goldmine.
Because we are nothing if not here to help, we have prepared this helpful tool to navigate those discussions: the Escape Collective Banal Bike Conversation Guide.
“Boy howdy, tell ya what, I’ve been wondering: how do pro cyclists go to the toilet?”
Swell question, Uncle Paul. Mostly, both men and women just pull over on the side of the road and do a wee against a guardrail or hedge, but sometimes the guys can flop their peen over the waistband of their bike shorts and do a wee while rolling along. If it’s a number two, well, sometimes they just shit themselves. I know! We are disgusting, aren’t we?!
“How do you pee, kiddo?”
I just piss all over myself.
“Gosh. I picked up one of those fibreglass bikes with the curvy what-cha-ma-call’ems [ed. handlebars] the other day. HOOOOO-EEE! They’re real fricking light, aren’t they?”
[Earnest nod] Yes, they are. There is actually a rule from the UCI – they’re the NFL of bicycling – that any road bike cannot be any heavier than 6.8 kg (15 pounds). Once it crosses that weight limit it’s banned from competition because the extra weight would be an unfair advantage on descents.
“My buddy Tim in marketing at work is a bit of a bike nut – rides about 18 miles [30 km] every Saturday, which makes my ass hurt just to think about it haha. Anyway, he was telling me the other day that you lot don’t even wear underpants under those tight shorts. Are you lot exhibitionists or something? It strikes me as real fishy.”
18 miles?! [insert appreciative noises of your choice here] Yeah, if you wear underwear it can cause friction in a delicate area, and there’s padding in the shorts anyway. There are these things called saddle sores that can really ruin your day, so you can also use something called chamois cream …
“What’s shammy cream?”
Exactly what it sounds like, beloved step-grandfather Chuck. They’re a kind of Alpine goat, and there are these companies that farm them – or for a cruelty-free option there are these artisanal shepherds with flocks of them. Anyway, they milk the chamois from their little udders, churn it until the milk separates, scoop the solids off the top, whack it in a jar with some scents, and then you just rub it all over your undercarriage before you go for a bike ride. Smells really gamey but at least you don’t have boils on your taint.
“I haven’t watched for a while, is that Lance Armstrong fella still going?”
Absolutely he is, cousin Larry! He’s now up to his 20th career Tour de France title, but there are two whippersnappers nipping at his heels. There’s a guy called Tadej Pogačar – no, he’s not ‘an eye-talian’, Larold, he’s from Slovenia. No, you’re talking about Slovakia. Yes, next to Hungary. Ah, what a funny little joke – yes, I am also hungry for some deep-fried turkey! What fun we are having!
Also there’s a little Danish guy called Jonas Vingegaard who won a couple of times, which really rattled the US Postal boys, I’ll tell ya. Yeah, Danish. Yes, like the pastry. No, he doesn’t get confused when he walks into a bakery and forget whether he is a person or a baked treat.
“I saw this bike rider the other day run a red light. I was spittin’ chips!! Why don’t you lot have to pay registration? And why don’t you ride on the footpath? What about those ones in the Spandex riding next to each other, taking the whole lane – is that allowed? I’ve been Googling how to coal-roll them just for fun. Now I’d never do it but I’ll tell ya something else for nothing, it really makes me want to just give them a little tap with my truck’s bumper haha.”
Hahaha. Ah, my beloved family! I am so thankful I get to spend this special time with you.
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