Dear Eric: My daughter-in-law decided a few years back to host a Friendsgiving dinner a couple of weekends before Thanksgiving. She invites her family (as her mom has never done Thanksgiving) and then a bunch of her and my son’s friends.
In my mind, I know this shouldn’t bother me, but it does. I waited my “turn” growing up and having a family to be the one to host Thanksgiving (my parents have both passed, as has my husband’s mom), and now I have my own grandchildren.
We still do the whole Thanksgiving dinner, but I don’t feel it is as special as it was because now everyone has already had the traditional Thanksgiving meal that previously we only had that one time a year.
She always says, “Oh y’all are welcome to come, too,” but I just can’t get into it and feel resentment that I waited all the years to be the grandma to host the meal, and now it is like feeding everyone leftovers.
Can you give me another way to look at this or some advice that will make me not as resentful about it?
— Leftovers Anyone?
Dear Leftovers: This might be a cold comfort, but in my book, nothing hits better than a plate of Thanksgiving leftovers the next day. The way that you have to microwave it strategically so that the sweet potatoes don’t become lava while the turkey gravy stays cold: an art form! Your mileage may vary, but the people around your table probably don’t mind having a similar meal twice in one month. They might even enjoy it.
More importantly, remember that your daughter-in-law’s Friendsgiving and your Thanksgiving serve different but equally important purposes. And neither is really about food.
It sounds like she’s trying to create a gathering that she lacked growing up while keeping the actual holiday as a special time to be with you. Meanwhile, you’re reaching for a sense of tradition that was passed down to you, perhaps even as a badge of honor. These are both great aims, and they’re not in competition.
Because what you both want is to have the people that you love around you. That’s a gift that you get to give yourselves and each other. Focus on that, and on how lucky you are to get to see each other. It’ll make the similarity of the menus seem like a delicious afterthought.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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