Dear Eric: I have a buddy that I reconnected with after more than 10 years. I’ve known him 40 years. He lives in another state about seven hours away. I enjoy chatting with him and we cut up a lot.
The problem is he calls two to three times a day. He is 80 years old, in good health, very active, and a single guy.
He did lose his wife about two years ago, but he has lots of friends and family in the same city.
It drives me nuts for him to call so much. I’ve tried not answering and suggested texting is better for me. To no end, he calls two to three times a day. Telling him once a day at most is OK would make him mad. What do I do?
—High Call Volume
Dear High Call Volume: You have to risk making him mad. It’s the only way that he’s going to clearly hear you saying what you need. Maybe he’s not picking up on your suggestions about texting. Maybe he’s lonely and not in the habit of finding other outlets to help him. The only way to find out and help him (and yourself) is clear communication.
I’m curious why you think he’d get mad if you asked to reduce the number of calls. This is a very reasonable ask, especially if made kindly and with an understanding that it’s hard to reach out sometimes.
If his response to you communicating about your capacity is to get angry, that’s a feeling he has to own and deal with. And if you fear that you’ll hurt him by asking him to cut down on the calls, there are ways of saying it gently. For instance, “I really love talking to you and I’m really glad we reconnected. I want to keep this up. But I’m not always up for multiple calls a day. It’s not about you; I always look forward to our conversations. Can we try to fit it all into one call or save it until the next day?”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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