Despite having raised the avoidance of anything resembling “work” to an art form (or at least a blog), I do commute to Brooklyn twice a week. These days, I generally do that by subway, which is convenient and inexpensive and affords me the time to read. (I do use a popular brand of e-reader, the e-bike of books). However, long subway rides can be wearying–psychologically more so than physically, mostly because of people WHO DO NOT USE HEADPHONES WITH THEIR GODDAMN PHONES.
If I were to run for mayor I would campaign entirely on the platform of a zero-tolerance policy for e-noise on transit, which I suspect would even be more popular than socialism is here. In fact it’s gotten so bad I might even support the socialist approach of giving away headphones on the subway. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before they’re giving out AirPods with the syringes.
But now that the days are longer and the weather has improved my thoughts turn once again to commuting by bicycle, which is easy and pleasant and generally stress-free since I can do it mostly on separated paths:
Though there’s always a chance I’ll run into Unhoused Jason Momoa:
Or of course the dreaded Citi Bike Beer Fiend of NoLiTa:
Yes, life in this city can be like a Grimms’ Fairy Tale, but I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before all the socialism fixes it. (And if you think complaining about having to rub shoulders with the un-headphoned, unhoused, and untoothed during my commute reeks of entitlement, you’re absolutely right, but I make no apologies, for I have reached the age at which one wears one’s entitlement proudly on one’s sleeve.)
But the real issue with commuting by bike is that it takes too long. Generally speaking, when it comes to cycling at a civilized pace versus taking the subway, the break-even point happens around 10 miles; after that, the train is going to win. My commute is quite a bit longer than that, and I generally can’t spare the extra time. Yes, I could probably narrow the bike/subway gap considerably with an e-bike, but I’d rather continue to enhance my traditional fleet of bicycles than divert crucial resources to some sort of pedal-assisted commuter. And yes, I’ve also flirted with the idea of requisitioning a motorcycle for commuting purposes (I have owned and commuted on motorcycles in the past), but not only would that also require diverting crucial resources that could be better spent on bicycles, but it’s also way too conspicuous. See, nobody in the household even notices when I get a new bike, but a motorcycle is bound to raise questions, and I can’t just explain one away by saying, “Oh, that old thing? Paul from Classic Cycle sent it to me for testing.” Also, having a motorcycle in winter without a garage really sucks.
Given the above, sometimes I splurge on a multi-modal binge that involves riding to the commuter rail station, taking said train to Grand Central, then undertaking the final leg of my journey by subway:
This is what I did yesterday. The advantages are that I get to enjoy a short ride, I get to luxuriate on upholstered commuter rail seats in relative silence, and the subway portion is short enough that the irritations don’t have sufficient time to accumulate compound interest. It’s also relatively fast. The disadvantage is that it’s more expensive, though unlike the e-Citi Bikers I’m not complaining.
Oddly it hasn’t occurred to me until just now to try my commute entirely via e-Citi Bike, even though there’s a station fairly close to my home, but frankly I don’t find the idea all that tempting. For the record, I was a Citi Bike founding member, and even had the key fob to prove it. But as much as I liked Citi Bike in principle, it seemed like whenever I used it I was never able to find an empty dock at my destination, and so I eventually gave up on it. Perhaps the app and the balancing and all that stuff has improved since then, but between public transit and my own bicycles I’ve always felt as though I were more or less covered.
Oh well. Maybe I’ll just grab an e-bike frame off the street and put one together myself instead:
I’m assuming that’s an e-bike, anyway. I’ll just order a cheap battery from the same company that sold me my e-reader, duct tape it to the downtube, and I’ll be in business. Unfortunately, the end result will probably be not only flammable, but also too heavy to tie to the end of the flag:
Powerful political statement, or just mental illness?
[From here.]
Increasingly, I don’t think there’s much of a difference.
I also wonder if the bike was stolen:
Does it make me a bad person that the first thing I thought was, “Wow, I bet they have some pretty sweet bikes in the Boulder unclaimed stolen bike storage unit, and I wonder how I can get my hands on one?” Sure it does. But remember: I’m the sort of person who complains about having to look at unkempt itinerants. Also, it’s not like if I scored a bike from the Boulder unclaimed stolen bike storage unit I wouldn’t give it back. If anything, here’s how it would work:
- I contact the Boulder police and tell them I’m looking for some fancy bike you’re bound to find in Boulder, like I dunno, a Moots Routt or something
- “Can you describe the bike?,” they’d say
- “Sure, it’s unpainted, and it’s got Enve wheels and parts.” [99% of Mootses (is that the plural of Moots?) fit this descrption]
- “Wow, you just described it to a T! Clearly the bike is yours.”
- I ride the bike for awhile and post many pictures of it on my blog under the pretense of exploring “The Spirit of Gravel” or something stupid like that
- Eventually the actual owner gets wind of it and contacts me
- I got to ride a Moots for awhile, and some guy with a first name like Tyler gets his bike back (after reimbursing me for the round-trip air fare I incurred in picking his bike up, but Tyler works for a tech company out there and rides a Moots, he can afford it)
- Everybody wins!
Of course, there is the slim chance that the Boulder unclaimed stolen bike storage unit does not contain a Moots, and you might not want to keep calling back, disguising your voice, and asking for different fancy bike brands. [“Why, hello old chap. I am in search of my Mosaic velocipede, which was purloined from in front of an artisanal coffee establishment in Boulder while I was visiting from jolly old England. Would it happen to be in your possession, by Jove?” And so forth.] If that’s the case, then the sure-fire approach to a free bike would be to ask for one they’re 100% guaranteed to have. For example, it’s a scientific fact that 1 out of every 100 bicycles in the world is a bonded aluminum Trek 1200, so as long as there are at least 100 bikes in there it’s a mathematical certainty they have one:
Bingo!
Do I know what I’m talking about? Or do I know what I’m talking about?
In a place like Boulder the same thing also goes for Surly:
Though it’s only now occurring to me that we have these photos of the actual bike room, so all you’d need to do is describe one of the bikes in the photo.
By the way what’s up with the Reddit r/xbiking cockpit in the foreground?
It simply does not square with this comment in the article:
“This is somebody’s baby, and we’re trying to figure out where they belong,” said Boulder Police Officer Mitch Trujillo.
Somebody’s baby? More like somebody’s nightmare. Non-aero road bike levers on some kind of flared bar with Ergon grips and a Salsa stem? Someone was clearly drunk-watching Path Less Pedaled and Ultraromance videos on YouTube and made a bunch of ill-advised eBay purchases.
Speaking of people like Path Less Pedaled and Ultraromance, together they’ve undermined effete roadiedom and put Lycra into bankruptcy…literally:
Wool you look at that!