Generally speaking, I don’t go in for the whole “The world is falling apart and humanity is doomed” thing. Life is an ugly business, it’s human nature to be afraid, and the sense that we’ve somehow fallen from grace and are being cosmically punished from our misdeeds is so deeply ingrained in us that it’s the basis for the world’s most popular religions. Sure, there’s scary stuff in the news, but if you really do think we’re somehow worse off than ever I bet you’d feel differently if someone offered you a one-way ticket in a time machine.
Still, even I can’t ignore the sense of impending doom that’s in the air right now. In fact, it’s feeling downright apocalyptic out there. For example, “half the peloton” has been …smitten? …smited? …smote? by a manure-borne illness:
If you thought conditions aboard the MV Hondius were unsanitary, just try a race in the Ardennes:
Lotto said the riders may have been contaminated by cow manure on the Ardennes course, with wet roads causing excrement to be splashed on to riders.
Although the exact cause has not yet been confirmed, campylobacter – a type of bacteria responsible for gastrointestinal infections – is suspected to be the source.
If any of you have ever raced bicycles in New York City this will immediately sound familiar to you, as each lap of Central Park takes you through a stretch colloquially called “Horseshit Alley,” so-called because of the leavings of all the carriage horses, which you breathe deep into your lungs as you attempt to make your way to the front for the inevitable bunch sprint at the top of Cat’s Paw.
I don’t know if carriage horse manure also contains campylobacter, though that would be a great name for a new Campagnolo gravel group below Ekar, which also sounds like a bacteria:
By the way, I told the AI to generate “An advertisement for the new Campagnolo Lobacter electronic gravel bike drivetrain,” and instead of giving me a messed-up image with dyslexic syntax as usual, it gave me the image above and asked me for more notes, so I told it to add that text. Horrifyingly, it pretty much nailed the Gravelista, right down to the dainty tattoos. Now I’m truly frightened. I liked AI a lot more when I could laugh at it.
Anyway, if that wasn’t apocalyptic enough, the same article mentions that an Eddy Merckx monument has been vandalized:
Not just vandalized but [intern, find me a dripping-blood font]…decapitated:
The Brussels municipality was alerted on Wednesday morning by local residents that the head of the sculpture, created by Stefaan De Croock, had been torn off.
This is clearly a sign of the End of Days, though in the unlikely event that this is non-Biblical in nature I wonder if the police have spoken to Roger De Vlaeminck.
Frightened yet? Well, earlier this week we met ‘shroom-addled e-bike enthusiast Paul Stamets, the one-man Ben & Jerry’s of Fungus, who was recently featured in a promotional video for Specialized’s line of electrificated Levo line of bicycles:
The idea may have been to open the doors of perception, but instead they seem to have unlatched a trap door causing the bottom to fall out, and now Specialized is slashing prices like Crazy Eddie*:
*[You’ll get the Crazy Eddie reference if you know what Horseshit Alley is.]
Yes, prices across the entire industry are falling, falling, falling–to [Intern, find me a flaming letter font] HELL:
Please note I’m not telling you to buy a Lynskey or not to buy a Lynskey. Comments on this blog range from “Greatest bike I ever owned” to “They break if you fart near them.” All I’m saying is they’re practically half-off:
I mean there are closeouts on brand new bikes everywhere you look:
It’s spring and demand for bikes should be at its highest, yet it seems like you can’t find a bike that’s not discounted by at least a One Thousand American Fun Tickets™:
Are things really that bad for the bike industry? Is it possible for it to survive when they’re taking a grand off the price of a bike like it’s the reflectors? There’s even desperation in the used market, where sellers on Craigslist seem to be resorting to propaganda in order to convince you to buy a bike:
I assume that was posted by whoever is selling this:
Maybe the Apocalypse has already happened. It’s the only reasonable explanation for that bike.