Ball One – Ashes to Ashes, please
Whilst hunting down the right cable to charge the phone at Lord’s (it can be a long day), Alexa played me Talksport, on which a narrative was already running. Essentially, “If England win this series, will it be enough for McCullum, Key and (left unsaid) Stokes?” I sighed.
Not only is that line disrespectful to the Kiwis, a very decent team with recent World Test Champions (2021) in their squad, but tediously positions The Ashes, still more than a year away with plenty of series in-between, as the lens through which England’s cricket must be refracted.
Not so long ago, Test matches were an end in themselves, with no need for the contexts that tables, championships and maces bestow, nor were they cast as warm-ups for the main attraction. I guess there’s no return likely to those days, but we shouldn’t feed the narrative if we don’t have to.
Ball Two – Down in the Tube Station (not at Midnight)
Despite portents of doom attendant on industrial action by Tube workers, it proved a pretty normal journey into Lord’s from South London – which is to say, horrid but bearable.
On the escalators at St John’s Wood, adverts reveal that Joe Root has not spent his downtime entirely on the golf course, but he looks ill at ease in the upscale menswear chain’s photos, making you wonder about the ones rejected if these are the ones they chose. There’s no reason why sports stars should be good models and Kate Moss and co do make it look a lot easier than it is.
That said, Stuart Broad does it rather better, as one would expect from a man who married into showbiz. Catching the camera with a beady eye, he wears something of a Mona Lisa smile – though when a man does that, he always looks like he’s just got away with a particularly pungent fart.
Ball Three – It’s later than you think
A poignant and sobering minute’s silence as England honour their players who have died in the off season. Both Robin Smith and Hugh Morris were younger than me – not the most salient point about their lives, but a jolt to be reminded how short is our span and how much we should value days like these.
Speaking of which, spoilsport clouds loom over the pavilion not an hour into the Test season, but such is the nature of playing cricket in England. What will prove interesting is the willingness of Ben Stokes to stick to his “No draws” mantra. Captains can do much to move the game forward in the field by, reluctantly, just getting on with it, and off the field with declarations, but that involves risking defeat in order to create opportunities. And Ben has form with that. The d demands more cojones in the First Test than it does in the Third – maybe more foolhardiness too.
Ball Four – Kiwis polish off the top order
It’s often said that women’s high jumpers are ballerinas who grew too tall – a plausible story when one considers the technical aspects of the disciplines.
Perhaps big Kiwi quicks are lock forwards who didn’t fancy cauliflower ears or weekly Head Impact Assessments, because Will O’Rourke, Kyle Jamieson and Nathan Smith are big strong boys. But they can bowl too, Emilio Gay getting as good a ball as he’ll get if he plays 100 more Tests. Ben Duckett also got a decent one, but Jacob Bethell inexplicably missed a straight, albeit fast one from the very impressive O’Rourke. How the umpire didn’t give it out on the field, I do not know.
Joe Root and Harry Brook, not for the first time, find themselves with much to do, absent Zak Crawley and post-reset. Root didn’t last long, more O’Rourke’s fault than his.
Ball Five – Third time unlucky, as Brook, dropped twice, is caught
Brook, playing something of a lone hand, has played more shots than his teammates combined. Does that lead to more drops, as his two reprieves look very fortunate indeed.
Of course, you can’t be dropped if you leave one like Jamie Smith did and if you hit the ball hard, you’re more likely to induce the error, but batters need to be lucky – the play and miss, the dolly to deep square put down, the umpire’s call by millimetres. It’s not fair to caveat a successful knock, especially on this pitch.
Batters will claim that there’s a little more to it than that (though probably not today). When a batter is aggressive, he moves the field around, as captains react to whirling scoreboards and spread the field. Luck, as so often, is made.
Ten years or so ago, I was a believer in sitting in the game, taking bowlers into fourth spells, but, even after Bazball’s implosion in Australia, I’m not so sure now. Putting pressure on the bowlers is more than a cliche, it’s probably the best strategy regardless of the pitch, match situation or composition of the attack.
That said, for all the glory that radiates from its success, it can look dismal when it fails.
Ball Six – Here’s to you, Mr Robinson
Two clichés. You can’t judge a pitch until both sides have batted and it’s a funny old game.
Never funnier than when a Lord’s crowd was singing Ollie Robinson’s name, a player hitherto unloved by England fans and appearing not to love England very much either in return. Indeed the only thing he had going for him was a huge talent suited perfectly to English conditions. Though, as only things go, that’s not bad.
Since taking on the responsibility of captaincy at Sussex and over two years on since his last England appearance, he seems a changed man. Perhaps – and there’s a long way to go – he may have completed one of the hardest tasks a person can take on: growing up in public.
After four wickets on his comeback – three in his comeback over – he vindicated the selectors’ slightly controversial decision, finding the exact line and length to make things very tricky indeed. He had seen how the New Zealand bowlers had continually asked questions and, even at a lower pace, asked his own. Insistently.
Not many bowlers have been successful at his pace, but Vernon Philander has 224 Test wickets at 22. It can be done.
Ball Seven – A day for the ages
You don’t often get a Ball Seven. You don’t often get 140 all out and 61-6 – 33% poor pitch and poor batting, 67% sensational, sensational, bowling.